.: Roberts' Reviews - Movie Reviews :.

Not an actual conversation between a pitchman and a studio executive sitting around a boardroom table discussing their ideas that would eventually become the new Broken Lizard film, Beerfest.

"I've got an idea. Let's make a movie about beer!"

"Ahh, are you drunk? Do you need to review the film receipts for the Loretta Swit comedy Beer released in 1985? Or maybe you need to sit through the painstakingly unfunny Strange Brew over and over again to realize that not even an entire stockpile of liquor store inventory can make a film solely about the amber liquid in any way tolerable"

"Don't be so quick mon ami" (pitchman takes a drink) "Let's think about this. I understand that the comedy troupe Broken Lizard is interested in writing and starring in the film"

"Who the @*%^! is Broken Lizard"

"Who is Broken Lizard!? Who is Broken Lizard!!!!??? Where have you been man? Broken Lizard were the comic geniuses behind the films Super Trooper and Club Dread. These guys are hotter than burnt toast!"

"Hang on a second. Super Troopers brought in only $23 million domestic dollars for all our studio's efforts and don't even get me going on the worldwide $7 million gross of their follow-up Club Dread"

"Grosses smosses! Think about this for a second. You have five guys who like to drink beer, but we all know that American's can't drink like the Europeans, so we will create something like a Beerfestival competition that is as exclusive to get into as the Cuma-whatever was in Bloodsport. The competition will be like a beer Olympics and we can spend over an hour of the films running time showing the guys in training a la Rocky IV"

"Maybe we can even get Carl Weathers"

"Your mocking me aren't you?"

"Sort of. But go on"

"Ok, so with the five guys, let's have two of them brothers that go to Germany to spread their dead father's ashes. Let's have them stumble across the Beerfest by accident and then have them humiliated to a point where they want to go back to America and recruit other drinkers to go back and compete in the tournament. The three people they recruit should be of completely different backgrounds, like maybe one is a scientist, one is a male prostitute and what beer movie isn't complete without a fat guy who can drink the others under the table"

"Ok, I am kinda following you, but let's try and get a big name as part of the film to help with my visual. Maybe Donald Sutherland as the father"

"Yeah, he's Canadian, so we know he likes beer. Maybe even get Cloris Leachman to be in the film as the motherly figure. She has been collecting paychecks for stupid roles for years and hear she can be had for a Beck's and a German sausage"

"Wow! I am beginning to share your vision, but I can even go one further. I have some unflattering photos of Jürgen Prochnow so I am sure I can get him to be part of the film. Maybe he can be an obnoxious German that is that is the leader of their national team"

"So now we just have to come up with some other plot points. Let's have a sub-plot regarding an old stolen beer recipe and then let's throw in the death of a major character to try and keep the film mainstream"

"Do we really want to kill someone off?"

"Don't worry about it, we will bring them back in the very next scene with such a ridiculous explanation, that you have to be drunk to appreciate it"

"Ok, so we have our plot that is thinner than a beer bottle label, we have our actors and actresses that will all be guilted into appearing and we have Broken Lizard who, I am told, have some kind of following. But what about making the film funny?"

"Screw that! Let's just throw in copious amounts of booze, nudity, obnoxiousness, sexual references and Germans and make the film two hours in length so that you get too tired to remember that you barely laughed"

"Sounds like a plan. Let's say we go have a drink and congratulate ourselves on a movie that will cost the price of a two-four to make and will be as big as all those straight to video National Lampoon films"

"No thanks, I don't drink"